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Put Downs Funny Quotes
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He's done more U-turns than
a dodgy plumber.
-- Iain Duncan Smith
(on Tony Blair's attitude towards
Europe) |
She's got a great looking
husband, a little boy and all the money in the world. She hasn't got the
looks, but you can't have everything.
-- Jordan
(on Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice) |
I'd love to kiss you, but I
just washed my hair.
-- Bette Davis
(Cabin in the Cotton, 1932) |
I once shook hands with Pat
Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
-- Dean Martin |
Joan Collins unfortunately
can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next
husband.
-- John Parrott |
I've been doing the Fonda
workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of
acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.
-- Kevin Meaney |
He must be the only man alive
who can eat an apple through a tennis racket.
-- Gary Lineker
(during the 2002 World Cup, on Ronaldo) |
I am definitely not scared of
Mike Tyson. I am at the top of the food chain and he is looking to knock me
off. Mike's an arrogant imbecile. He sounds like a cartoon character.
-- Lennox Lewis |
He'd make a lovely corpse.
-- Charles Dickens
(Martin Chuzzlewit, Chapter 25) |
She's so pure, Moses couldn't
even part her knees.
-- Joan Rivers
(on Marie Osmond) |
Why are we honoring this man?
Have we run out of human beings?
-- Milton Berle
(at a function for Sports Broadcaster
Howard Cosell) |
Robert Redford used to be
such a handsome man and now look at him: everything has dropped, expanded
and turned a funny colour.
-- George Best |
Kelsey Grammer has launched
his own website to refute stories about him in the tabloids. Check it out at
likeyoureallycare.com.
-- Andy Waits |
While he was talking at
Baylor University, President Bush said, "Times are kind of tough." He also
pointed out that Bill Gates is kind of rich, that water is kind of wet, and
that Elvis is kind of dead.
-- Andy Waits |
When they asked Jack Benny to
do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved
in.
-- Bob Hope |
If life were fair, Dan Quayle
would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'
-- John Cleese |
He has so many muscles he has
to make an appointment to move his fingers.
-- Phyllis Diller
(on Arnold Schwarzenegger) |
The best ears of our lives.
-- Milton Berle
(on Clarke Gable) |
The last time I was in Spain
I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough
toilet paper next time.
-- Bob Monkhouse
(on Jeffrey Archer - English
politician, novelist, convict) |
She needs open-heart surgery,
and they should go in through her feet.
-- Julie Andrews
(commenting on columnist Joyce Haber) |
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