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Joke Funny Quotes
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I think the worst time to
have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart
attack.
-- Demetri Martin |
So a man jumps into a taxi
and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll
lose him at the next lights".
-- Tommy Cooper |
My wife was fitted with a
coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
-- Bob Monkhouse |
In awe I watched the waxing
moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards
the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and
Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all
this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
-- Les Dawson |
I used to have Mad Cow's
disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
-- Billy Connolly |
A man commented to his lunch
companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married
a millionaire." "You're lucky," sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that
in the daytime."
-- Sam Ewing |
If you're being chased by a
police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then
jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-- Milton Jones |
I know why Superman left
Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
-- Milton Berle |
A guy at work went in for a
competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a
trip back!
-- Jerry Dennis |
I thought coq au vin
was love in a lorry.
-- Victoria Wood |
I went to a meeting for
premature ejaculators. I left early.
-- Jack Benny |
With my wife I don't get no
respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'
The waiter joined me.
-- Rodney Dangerfield |
When I was a kid I used to
pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work
that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips |
I met this guy who said he
loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
-- Monica Piper |
Have you heard about the
Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
-- Frank Carson |
What's the difference between
beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
-- Anonymous |
My apartment was robbed and
everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said
'Do I know you?'
-- Steven Wright |
I had lunch with a chess
champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him
20 minutes to pass the salt.
-- Eric Sykes |
Duct tape is like the Force.
It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-- Carl Zwanzig |
When I was a kid my favorite
relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and
every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I
found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-- Jack Handey |
I told my wife the truth. I
told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she
was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-- Rodney Dangerfield |
I had plenty of pimples as a
kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was
reading my face.
-- Rodney Dangerfield |
My mom was a ventriloquist
and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was
telling me to kill my father.
-- Wendy Leibman |
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I
said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
-- Rodney Dangerfield |
So I said, 'Where do you want
to go for your anniversary?'
She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.'
I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
-- Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990) |
I was born in Alabama. I was
raised in Georgia. I'm so Southern I'm related to myself. I have a
12-year-old daughter. She takes after my daddy. She ought to. She's his.
-- Brett Butler |
I write for Reader's Digest.
It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again.
-- Milt Kamen |
I said to the wife, "Guess
what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every
woman in this road except one." And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck up
Phyllis at number 23."
-- Max Kauffmann |
I sold my house this week. I
got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
-- Garry Shandling |
When I was a boy, my mother
wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood,
it left a big red mark on my forehead.
-- Jeff Shaw |
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